THE DRUNKEN NOODLE
 

EPISODE 7: MICHELADA (1:49)

Hola!! To most gringos, Cinco de Mayo is just another excuse to get drunk and fire bullets into the air.  The boys at The Drunken Noodle are no different (sans the guns -- they couldn't find any in time).  Along the way they dip into their mailbag and answer questions from some adoring female listeners. Muy caliente!

Noodles of Note:
  • If you see something floating off the coast of Mexico, it's very likely a bloated Canadian
  • Attractive women: you are always -- always! -- being watched. (You're welcome.)
  • Facebook is a great way to stay in touch with exes who want nothing to do with you
  • A college football coach just nailed your daughter. Or was it John Edwards?
  • Billy G enjoys bringing doormen to their knees
  • Please donate your used toilet seats to Jason -- he's a collector
 
 

EPISODE 6: WISCONSIN LUNCH BUCKET (1:24)

In honor of Billy G coming on as a permanent fixture on the podcast, we went with a Wisconsin themed show. And nothing says The Badger State better than a concoction called the Lunch Bucket.  One part beer, one part OJ, one part Amaretto, and one part throw up. Cover your teeth, gentlemen!!

Noodles of Note:
  • Statistically speaking, if you ever find yourself driving in Wisconsin, you're drunk
  • The mixed signals of a massage
  • The psychological damage of an ill-timed boner in high school
  • Underwear? Underpants! And what the hell do Fruit Roll-ups have to do with them?
  • Valentine's Day is right for fighting -- and crying.
  • There are ten people on earth who watch hockey. Jason and Bill are not two of them
 
 

EPISODE 5: DARK 'N' STORMY

Billy G was back in studio for a tangle with that favorite drink of pirates and yachtsmen alike: The Dark 'n' Stormy. The bad news is, the audio leaves something to be desired. The good news is,  you have your health and you don't smell nearly as bad as strangers on the subway say you do.

Noodles of Note:
  • Ex-girlfriends are hotbeds of criminal activity and mental insanity
  • If you're a movie exec, Bryan's dad is sending your asshole kids to college
  • Bill feeds at the androgynous teet of glam metal
  • Christopher Cross is a sweaty, fat-ass'd genius who probably hates MTV
  • Fucking David Carradine
  • Jason has lost some range on his long-distance money shot
  • Does your significant other want you at 'full beaker?'

 
 

EPISODE 4: SAKE

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The heat was definitely on in Episode 4. With temperatures outside giving Bryan's AC a run for its money, Billy G showed up with sake and a head full of opinions. Some were rational, thought provoking and hilarious, while others were just, well, you'll see. Let's put it this way, about the only thing that stayed cool in this mother was the sake.

Noodles of Note:
  • Asian fetish: Who's got one?
  • Jason salivates all over Telle Savalas
  • Best concerts (we can barely remember)
  • J-Dates turning crappy
  • Actresses that girlfriends can't handle
  • Beatles vs Zeppelin (Spoiler: Bill gets it wrong)

 
 

EPISODE 3: WINE (RED)

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Sportswriter and resident oenophile Sean joined the fray, and as a result the episode became a civilized and ponderous meditation on life's most important topics and the beautiful wonder that is existence. Bullshit. It was the raunchiest drunken noodle yet -- and perhaps the funniest.   

Noodles of Note:
  • Bryan's ability and subsequent inability to handle liquor
  • Whitey Bulger is a lovable psychopath, beloved by all who fear him
  • Athletes: They love to get drunk (and some of them have massive members)
  • Sweaty nether regions men crave
  • And, of course, masturbation
 
 

EPISODE 2: ABSINTHE

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All that needs to be said about this episode is, Holy Shit Balls!  Guest funnyman Marc brought Absinthe and shit got crazy. You know how Pirates pitcher Dock Ellis threw a no-hitter on acid? Similarly, Marc did about half the podcast in full blackout mode. After a certain point he doesn't remember a thing, which is perhaps for the best.

Noodles of Note:
  • Miami B-girls
  • Skinny jeans
  • Hairy Turkish tacos (not what you think)
  • Jason's oddly shaped head
  • And of course, masturbation (specifically how Jason wanks it like a girl)
 
 

EPISODE 1: CRYSTAL SKULL VODKA

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The inaugural episode!
(Spoiler: We didn't know what the fuck we were doing.  Spoiler 2: We still don't.)
Jason and Bryan introduce themselves to the world as heavy-drinking heterosexuals -- and then jump right into a noodle on The Real Housewives franchise. Um...

Noodles of Note:
  • Drinking breast milk
  • Masturbation, girlfriends' policy of
  • Quantum physics (aka Snorting pixie sticks in junior high)
 

    The Drunken Noodle

    Let's face it: We were all once knuckle-scraping, libido-driven apes, confused by sounds and images, enraged by perceived slights, relentlessly aroused by the opposite sex. And never is our biological legacy more obvious than during The Drunken Noodle podcast, when three post-Neanderthals -- Jason, Bryan and Billy G -- armed only with booze, a poorly-defined concept of communication, and a cumulative knowledge based on decades of educational ineptitude, get together and discuss whatever comes into their heads. The Drunken Noodle is less a podcast than an acknowledgement  and journey into de-evolution.

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    The Big Lebowski image courtesy of Google.